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I’ll do it, but only if you’ll help

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Thanks for your reply, Jeff. No, you’re right – it wouldn’t be the best idea to personally scan the oceans of Norway in search of a bunch of bingo-playing geriatric salmons. I mean, think of the air miles that you’d clock up in doing that. You probably wouldn’t want to leave a huge carbon footprint behind – on top of your already [arguably] unethical leaving present! ;-D

Those were very interesting comments regarding the perceived superiority of man over beast. I am not sure that boyfriends with premenstrual girlfriends up and down the country would agree that those with ‘superior emotions’ have the right to take the lives of those with ‘lesser emotions’. If it’s intelligence that’s the key factor in determining ‘superiority’, then should an accountant have the right to kick a binman’s head in if he feels like it? Or would it be okay if it were done in the name of comedy?

Sadly, following her stroke, my Nana lost her ‘brain capable of communication’ – are you suggesting that we leave her behind on your desk as a sacrifice? Would the chattering of animals such as birds and whales not suggest that humans have no monopoly on the power to communicate? Anyone who has experienced the whining of a tormented dog once its owner has left the room will also testify that animals clearly feel emotion. Likewise, animals in pain display writhing and facial contortions similar to our own. They are also quick in fleeing from a source of threat or pain – in fact, I am sure they could flee with a lot more speed and dexterity than my poor old Nana.

Which leads to how can we tell whether or not an animal has a soul. How can we tell that humans, even, have a soul? Do we therefore simply rely on writings in the Bible – written centuries ago, by man living in a time and culture quite different from our own, rather than by Jesus, and transcribed from one language to another over the years – as an excuse to exploit animals just because we feel like it? Referring to your good self in particular, can you justify your actions by basing them on something which is written in a book which you don’t particularly believe in?

Obviously you know your soon-to-be ex work colleagues better than I do (they might be a pack of wolves, for all I know), but can you really see them eating the salmon, rather than binning it in a civilised way?

Oh, by the way, I know that you’re not particularly Christian, Jeff, but I think that I have found the answer to your ‘being clubbed-to-death by a Salmon Hitman’ prayers. Check out the fancy dress hire shop:

who do a dapper fish costume. And what good fortune that the company is based close to you (in West London).

Oh, and I couldn’t leave without a final plea. Please, Jeff, don’t eat my Nana!

Milly xxx
Milly, 14 years ago.

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